How can sociopaths fix bad moods
ADHD and partnership
ADHD sufferers can have a hard time with their ADHD problems, but so can their partners and relatives. The effects of ADHD symptoms show up in many areas of life that affect the partnership and the partner. I would like to start by emphasizing that ADHD sufferers are not solely to blame, or rather, responsibility, when a relationship is difficult or fails. Both partners usually have a share of conflicts. It's not about pillorying people with ADHD, because everyone has their downsides. People with ADHD have it other Light and dark sides that play a role in a partnership.
In this chapter, however, the problems that can arise from ADHD symptoms are to be discussed in detail. Knowing them is helpful and often necessary to work on them.
The positive news first:
ADHD sufferers can be dazzlingly charming and funny and trigger a real fascination with their lively ideas. They can be hilarious and very engaging, tremendously enthusiastic and full of humor and zest for life. Nobody can have crazier ideas and act more spontaneously than people with ADHD. With their hypersensitivity they can be able to perceive the finest vibrations and feelings and with their sense of justice they can bring an impressive effort. With their irrepressible energy, they can uproot trees. New ideas and projects make life with them exciting, as a partner with ADHD it will probably never be boring. Surprises are always guaranteed, because what is really predictable in ADHD learners is their unpredictability. Something new can always arise from every moment or unforeseen situations can arise. The rapid change of moods and ideas can trigger fascination, but sometimes also exhaustion and incomprehension.
We will deal more with the downsides, because the colorful, lively and exciting sides of ADHD sufferers do not need instructions for use and problem-solving.
Typical ADHD symptoms lead to typical ADHD problems:
The more pronounced the ADHD, the more often we observe interpersonal conflicts, social deficits and even antisocial behavior. Unfortunately, stress management, communication and problem-solving skills are reduced to the same extent.
It is therefore not surprising that studies have repeatedly shown that partnerships with people with ADHD are more often difficult and / or fail.
Petermann, Schütte 2006
ADHD sufferers are very thin-skinned and vulnerable. They have a high level of emotional sensitivity and an armed alarm system with which they sense rejection, disregard, offense and resignation, often even when this is not there at all (... I hear something that you are not saying). They react more strongly to everything that they experience with their feelings: "A lot of joy, very quickly hurt, very quickly anger and anger". Your impulsiveness is the result of their emotional overreaction. They can react to minor offenses, which are often not meant as offenses at all, with a violent attack or with retreat. These violent emotional overreactions are often difficult to understand for others. When ADHD sufferers feel attacked for the slightest reason, ie "a mosquito becomes an elephant", endless discussions often follow, which, especially if they keep coming back, can be very grueling for relatives. Often it is not understandable why the mood has shifted again, why a fierce argument breaks out from a cozy evening. This can lead to permanent stress for relatives, because they never know what will happen next. ADHD sufferers are often mimosas with a wooden club. They themselves are overly sensitive and easily offended. In their overreaction, they are often very hurtful themselves. They can get terribly upset, dish out violently in the heat of the moment, get angry or freak out. A little later you may have forgotten everything again. If the partner comes back to it, they do not understand why this is so grudging
Unfortunately, many ADHD sufferers are prone to one Black and white vision. There is only "either - or", "jubilant or saddened to death" - "total enthusiasm or paralyzing disinterest". ADHS students often only know the extremes: totally good or mega stupid. You can go from one extreme to the other very quickly. They are totally enthusiastic, shortly afterwards they lose interest if an activity becomes difficult or their expectations are not met immediately. There is nothing in between, because the middle is too boring and you can't stand boredom. But black and white does not reflect the complexity of life with all its facets. In this way, however, neither your own person nor the respective situation can be fully grasped. This black and white view, this permanent falling into extremes, is difficult for fellow human beings to understand. They cannot understand why those affected are always looking for the extremes, why they experience the world in such contradictions at all and why they always act so contrary. Either they like a person and they are enthusiastic about him, or he falls into the pit with them. They fanatically throw themselves into a sport and, if they are unsuccessful or experience an injustice, they no longer want to know anything about the sport. You can just overdo anything and go to extremes.
With this polarization, those affected perceive only a very limited part of the world, because there are so many colors apart from black and white. These extremes are often incomprehensible to their fellow human beings, exhausting, stressful, they can also cause fear. The partners of those affected are stressed because they are often unable to assess the situation and because they repeatedly have to reckon with emotional freaking out on their part and their impulsive actions. At some point, some partners react with shame and a feeling of embarrassment to the fact that their ADHD partner loses control, yells around, insults others or runs away in a huff.
People with ADHD often act without considering the consequences of their actions. As just described, ADHD sufferers often react inappropriately violently due to their high sensitivity. They do not think about their behavior, do not perceive their emotions consciously enough and therefore act rashly, without a plan, according to the motto: "first made, then thought". They throw their feelings into the world because they feel like it and they don't consider how much they can scare and hurt others with it.
It is an important component in ADHD therapy that those affected learn to gain time and not act too emotionally out of the gut without thinking about their behavior beforehand. You need to learn mindfulness, awareness and the ability to self-reflect on your behavior.
Those affected need to gain time to analyze situations. Only then can they react appropriately to the situation without unnecessarily offending others.
The life of ADHD sufferers is often marked by violent ones Mood swings. Your moods are constantly changing. You yourself consider this to be completely normal because you have never experienced it otherwise. However, relatives often feel very burdened by the violence of their partner's feelings. They experience the emotional life of those affected like riding a roller coaster. ADHD sufferers can become Rumpelstiltskin or heat flashes when they get upset and bite into something. It is important for relatives to know that ADHD sufferers are in a rage like a monkey who has been pissed off and who throws coconuts from there because he feels attacked by everything. The advice to relatives: “If your partner is upset, take a break and do not discuss it, because ADHD people are not open to any argument in this situation. Those affected themselves also have to learn to pull themselves out of the traffic in such situations: "Time out instead of freaking out". First get some fresh air and get out of the situation to gain time and come down. ADHD sufferers have to learn to leave in good time and to communicate this to their partner as well. It is then important to discuss the difficult situation again later with a clear head.
ADHD sufferers often have two faces. Precisely because they can develop an amazing empathy, can be incredibly kind and supportive, it is so difficult for fellow human beings to understand that out of the blue the mood can derail so quickly and the empathetic ADHD person mutates into an angry Rumpelstiltskin in seconds, which no one anymore can brake. And shortly afterwards everything is forgotten again. This behavior causes relatives to shake their heads, tension, displeasure and anger again and again. Family members love the sensitive side of the ADHD sufferer, who can be so original and creative, but at the same time those walking bombs with the short fuse, the monkeys with the coconuts, those flashes of heat that can freak out so unpredictably and be so hurtful, are hard to bear .
ADHD sufferers can also be incredibly stubborn, defiant, and stubborn at times. If you get too close to them and fall below the escape distance, they can become very uncomfortable and quick-tempered, even with strangers. If you are in a bad mood and tense and meet someone else who is just as bad-tempered, this can lead to violent, sometimes violent, derailments. The aggression of another - perhaps also an affected person - can build up dangerously with that of the ADHD patient.
Again and again it is inconceivable for relatives that the ADHD sufferer quickly becomes violent Forget outbreaks of emotions again Has. Some partners cannot imagine that after violent emotional outbursts, the world is simply all right again. They look for the causes of these violent outbursts of emotions and sometimes begin to doubt themselves and look to themselves for blame and cause.
ADHD sufferers often fluctuate between overconfidence and self-doubt. From the moment they believe that nothing is impossible for them. Not least because of their negative experiences, they then fall back into great doubt. Then they can fall into deep self-pity, or see all the guilt in the other, including the partner, for example. A relationship can be difficult to thrive below.
Most of those affected do not care about order. The resulting chaos is often difficult to bear for others, including a loving partner.
ADHD people are still very forgetful. These forgetfulness is a real obstacle in the job and in the relationship.
It is offensive for relatives if an appointment with them is forgotten or promised errands are not carried out. Even if the ADHD sufferer does not mean it, others do not feel valued or taken care of when they repeatedly cannot rely on promises to be kept and that appointments work. Some partners then get into a kind of parenting role, trying to compensate for the unreliability; They begin to control the ADHD patient and ask him over and over again whether he has thought of everything. But this also means that ADHD sufferers slip into a kind of child role. You experience your partner as a patronizing parent and, like a child, pull yourself out of responsibility. This puts a partnership in trouble. Instead of being at eye level, she becomes more and more weird. The ADHD person can become more and more comfortable and childlike and leave the unpleasant tasks of life to the partner. The “parenting role” is usually not thanked to the partner, but on the contrary leads to arguments more and more frequently.
Forgetfulness also plays a major role in other life situations. So it is incredibly difficult for ADHD sufferers to remember something from the past
to remember. "Out of sight out of mind". A dispute yesterday can often no longer be reproduced precisely. Over is over.
Unfortunately, ADHD sufferers are often a bit one-sided, because they can have an elephant memory for injuries they have suffered themselves.
ADHD sufferers often have one different sense of time . Yesterday was a long time ago for them and last week must be an eternity, so far away they experience it. You live entirely in the here and now. They find it extremely difficult to estimate time. You don't feel how long half an hour or an hour is. The timelines in life are perceived quite distorted. This is one of the reasons why they get bogged down so often, come too late or not finish. It seems to be typical for people with ADHD that they have no good access to the past. This explains why they learn so little from experience. You literally cannot evaluate them, this experience is not available. You can also "blind to experienceIt is often a mystery to fellow human beings how it can happen that intelligent people make the same mistakes over and over again. The phrase “one gets wise through experience” is often incorrect with ADHD sufferers, because despite good intelligence they sometimes - despite many negative experiences - do not become wiser.
Unpunctuality is often a nuisance in ADHD partnerships. Because of their "time blindness", ADHD sufferers often have difficulty meeting deadlines and being on time. They hate waiting themselves, but they often ask others to do it. They pretend to be on time, but then they quickly start an activity beforehand that they then cannot finish - time is out of sight again. This can build up a lot of displeasure and incomprehension. Others, especially relationship partners, feel devalued by being unpunctual. There is little understanding that ADHD sufferers are always wasted on time.
Difficult behaviors in relationships
Conflicts arise in all relationships and it is the challenge of every relationship to resolve these conflicts in a socially acceptable manner. But ADHD sufferers in particular find it difficult to develop problem-solving skills.
Their impetuous manner, their violent reactions to the smallest insults, their mood swings, all of this prevents a good culture of argument.
Then there is the typical one impatience of those affected. They want everything right now and immediately and they can be extremely upset if their wishes are not fulfilled or if things go differently than they imagined. Frustration, disappointment, sacrifice and injustice are commonplace and each of us must learn to deal with them. ADHD sufferers find this particularly difficult to accept; if they don't get what they want, they react with anger, bad mood, anger.
ADHD people are often very sensitive to criticism. They can misunderstand even well-meaning feedback as an attack and react to it in a completely exaggerated manner. They often fail to recognize constructive criticism that relates to a certain behavior in a certain situation. Criticism is generalized. It means total rejection. Your armed alarm system signals "greatest danger" in the event of criticism. They counter such an attack either with a fight or with a flight. These behaviors are old behavior patterns from the reptilian brain, where life and death were a constant issue and where flight or attack was vital. In our culture mode, such behaviors are rather strange.
Well-meaning criticism is also important in every partnership. If a partner refuses to do this, a conflict resolution cannot take place. The same conflict then occurs again and again, dividing the relationship further and further.
ADHD sufferers can do a lot I-related be. ADHD sufferers don't mean it badly, they don't want to take advantage of others, but they all too often miss the fact that other people also have a sensitive disposition and expect consideration for their needs. Justice in relationships is not their forte because they often have a different way of perceiving them. They experience themselves as the center of the world and they tend to overestimate their own performance and, on the other hand, to overestimate the offenses inflicted on them, while they are often not at all squeamish about handing out offenses. When ADHD sufferers have hyper-focused on something or are in battle mode, they may weigh the words of their fellow human beings on the gold scales, interpret everything as attack and annihilation, while not even realizing their own aggression. Their basic tendency to feel right creates more grueling discussions. Many ADHD sufferers believe everyone else is wrong-way driver instead of looking to see whether they are on the right track themselves.
People with ADHD often have one Maturation deficit. Not only can you change your mood very quickly, but you can also change your age. It is difficult for them to postpone needs, they want everything now, immediately and always.They are sometimes like 3-year-old Rumpelstiltskin who throw themselves on the floor and kick around when they can't get their way. You want your head against the wall and it is difficult for you to make compromises. Postponing needs or putting one's own needs back is often unsuccessful. ADHD sufferers also have a pronounced defiance reflex and they are reluctant to be told something. Parents already experience with their children that it is not possible to really satisfy them. These Indulgence disposed to develop addiction. It has a great potential for dissatisfaction and frustration. It's just never enough. Those affected also tend to believe that others are beneficial and well-being. On the one hand they are constantly looking for total happiness, on the other hand they destroy their happiness again and again by comparing themselves and believing that they have come up short again. The ADHD child also feels constantly neglected and taken advantage of, but in most cases he has the unrestricted attention of his family and it is the siblings who are left behind.
ADHD and work behavior
People with ADHD struggle to decide what is important and what is not. For example, they often cannot even decide that something has to be thrown away because it is unimportant. So they keep it and over time the piles of unsorted, unimportant documents grow Decision-making and prioritization weaknesses. Everything seems equally important to them. This often becomes a problem because prioritization, recognizing the essentials, is an important prerequisite for making decisions at all. I need to know what is important in order to be able to decide which task to start with. ADHD sufferers often get bogged down in trifles or get stuck on trivialities while losing sight of the essentials. These difficulties, as well as the procrastination already described (Procrastination) often lead to the fact that those affected simply do nothing at all because they cannot make any decisions.
Here, too, we keep seeing the extremes. Either the person concerned cannot make a decision at all or he makes a hasty, thoughtless decision without weighing the consequences. The result: "First made, then thought." The action planning is poor and then often leads to unfired results.
ADHD sufferers can too quickly change their minds, depending on the mood, new stimulus or a newly inflamed enthusiasm. Even if you are completely convinced of something, you can quickly throw this enthusiasm overboard in favor of another fascination. It is also possible that they quickly change their decisions without letting others know. They then defend the new decision with vehemence and are not bothered by the fact that they may have expressed a completely different opinion yesterday or an hour ago.
The fact that ADHD sufferers are reluctant to make decisions is also due to the fact that they have difficulty setting priorities and often do not want to make a decision at all. Actually, he wants everything. The decision for something is at the same time a decision against something else. He postpones decisions endlessly, only to then make spontaneous and unreflective decisions about something. Many decision-making processes are therefore not particularly happy.
While the hyperactive ADHD person constantly needs action and cannot sit still, the hypoactive ADHD person tends to be slow and thus triggers impatience in his fellow human beings. ADHD sufferers often have one different pace of work and leisure. For the hyperactive Boredom is unbearable for ADHD sufferers. Even on vacation, he can hardly relax or lie in peace in a deck chair. This stresses relatives considerably who do not need constant entertainment, variety or even risk. The constant to be driven and the desire for uninterrupted entertainment can become a serious problem for partners if they do not separate themselves adequately and insist on their own recovery periods.
The slowness the hypoactive ADHD sufferers are also a problem. Hypoactive ADHD people have a different time account. In their time experience, they calculate how long it took them to do a job. Relatives calculate how long it would take them to do the same job. If the partner needs half an hour to vacuum and the ADS person takes two hours to do the same job, then the partner will only allow half an hour to count as working time. This, in turn, can anger the ADS user because he insists that he has invested two hours in the household. This, too, can be the source of many partnership conflicts. The partner then gets the feeling that he has to take care of everything himself, that everything is left behind for him, while the hypoactive ADHD person gets lost in details and insists on being slow. Often they do not even notice how slowly and inefficiently they are working. He then does not feel valued enough for all the effort, effort and time that he has needed to get the job done.
Endless and policy discussionsADHD sufferers are only too happy to lead, are often grueling, and they always want the last word on top of that. Discussions don't get any better if they don't end, and ADHD sufferers tend to repeat the same arguments in endless loops. The ADHD sufferer also benefits from the knowledge that he cannot bring his fellow human beings to their knees through endless discussions. Emotional intensity and derailments do not make arguments any better, and the duration of a discussion is not a criterion for their quality.
The charm of ADHD sufferers does not last for a lifetime and at some point all the sparks are sprayed and ADHD sufferers can be mercilessly held against their deficits: That they avoid the inconveniences of life, that they only do the things that are fun for them they are masters at excuses and finger pointing.
For ADHD sufferers, it is helpful to learn that short statements that are concise and focused on the matter are usually much more effective than a never-ending torrent of words. It is so difficult for ADHD sufferers to express themselves in a nutshell, to keep an eye on the essentials and not to get bogged down in discussions and jump from one topic to another.
ADHD often starts from childhood sleep disorders on. These can be problems falling asleep and staying asleep or a very light sleep from which those affected can startle violently at the slightest noise. Often there is also a shifted day-night rhythm. Many ADHD sufferers are simply useless in the morning. You tend to get up later and later and go to bed later at night. In relationships there is often little space for time together. The postponed sleep-wake behavior is also problematic for those affected because they are saying goodbye more and more to normal life. Sometimes they don't even see daylight in winter because their waking hours have shifted completely into darkness.
Many ADHD people are in debt. There are several reasons for this. you can't handle money. So they cannot wait, but tend to fulfill their wishes immediately, without looking whether they can afford it.
Some ADHD people also develop a shopping addiction in which they completely lose sight of their financial resources. Of course, serious relationship problems also arise from this. Often they don't pay their bills, debt collection agencies are happy to collect their hefty dunning fees, and they often lack an overview of their finances. They have no idea of all of their financial obligations, of all of their insurances and reckless subscriptions. If the washing machine breaks, it can quickly become tight. Responsible use of money is very important, especially when starting a family
Lots of ADHD people seek the danger and the risk. They are downright euphoric when they have sniffed some danger of death again in an extreme sport. Dangerous sports, which are associated with thrills and risks, are very appealing to ADHD sufferers. For relatives, this behavior is pure stress. They are often justified in great fear and worry. Incidentally, this also applies to behavior in road traffic. People with ADHD are at a much higher risk of having an accident and they usually have a more severe accident. This, too, has to do with the willingness to take risks. Many of the severe head-on collisions on country roads are caused by ADHD learners who have dared another risky overtaking maneuver because they could not bear to have to drive behind a slow driver. In particular, behavior in traffic can become a source of constant relationship conflicts.
ADHD develop significantly more often Addictions. This, of course, is a source of ongoing conflict in relationships. There is a separate chapter about this.
Here, too, the opposites are drawn. Sexuality in those affected On the one hand it can become an addiction and can be lived hypersexually, on the other hand it can be difficult, especially for women, to maintain concentration during sex for a long time. They also suffer from the fact that thoughts wander during sex and they are not really at the point.
Sexuality can be lived extremely. Excessiveness and “never enough” can lead to ADHD sufferers recklessly throwing themselves into sexual adventures and also using dangerous sexual practices without protecting themselves adequately. They do not consider the consequences of their actions. It can be that they hyper-focus sexuality, seek a lot of sexual contact without ties and prefer unusual sexual practices. It is precisely in sexuality that one can seek the kick, the adventure, the risk. Some ADHD people are looking for the ultimate happiness and intoxication in sexuality, some spend huge sums of money on prostitutes or porn films or surf the Internet for days without interruption by repeatedly listening to the supposedly hottest porn. That too can lead to the debt trap. Of course, this behavior is not particularly relationship-compatible and it doesn't take a lot of imagination to grasp that this attitude makes relationships very stressful and unstable. Infidelity has always been explosive in relationships. For example, some ADHD sufferers can love their partners very much, but they get bored so easily in a safe and stable relationship. That is why the kick is sought in infidelities. This can lead to a sex addiction. Affected people can also suffer a lot from it, but the partners suffer even more. It's the charm of the car, of conquering. It is often not about establishing a new relationship, but about the kick, the pushing of boundaries.
In adolescence, this behavior leads to more frequent teenage pregnancies, but also to more frequent sexually transmitted diseases.
However, exactly the opposite can also occur. In this way, ADHD sufferers can completely lose interest in sex. In the next relationship, however, sexuality can again be the focus.
Women in particular report the difficulty in concentrating on sex. You have 1000 thoughts in your head and you have sex on the side while you are busy with recipes, shopping etc. at the same time. In this way they cannot keep the focus on their experience of sexuality. But that's not enough to get any real satisfaction. They are constantly distracted by noises and thoughts, which greatly limits their pleasure. They cannot experience sexuality in all its abundance and intensity. In addition, younger women in particular often do not know themselves well and have little idea about their own bodies and what they enjoy themselves. They often have little body awareness and so they experience sexuality as a kind of compulsory event, which they attend absent-mindedly and bored, without feeling any real enthusiasm. You then develop too little drive and libido. Her own chaos always pushes her lust before her.
It is helpful for ADHD people to keep reminding themselves that only 5% of human beings have ADHD. The vast majority of humanity is clocked differently. This majority needs instructions for use from time to time. They have to be reminded of the particular difficulties ADHD sufferers have. However, ADHD must not be used as an excuse, ADHD must be explained.
However, others do not want to be constantly considerate of ADHD sufferers. Relatives do not feel like accepting excuses all the time, they also want to feel the serious effort of the person concerned that he is working hard on himself to become more socially acceptable. ADHD sufferers should also realize from time to time that many small hurts and many small annoyances can condense into a "huge anger lump" in the long run, which can destroy love and cost relationships.
The ADHD person can expect his partner to deal with ADHD in order to understand his specificity. The partner can expect the ADHD person to recognize his problems and to take responsibility wherever he or she hurts or burdens the partner through his behavior. It is helpful, for example, to find gestures or funny formulations that relatives can use to signal to ADHD sufferers that their behavior is problematic for them. Formulations like Chaotikus, Chaos Princess, Rumpelstiltskin can be agreed in a calm and peaceful situation. The ADHD person should agree to the formulations and must not be offended if he is pointed out to behavior.
It is important not to always discuss the same thing, but to simply receive feedback that the behavior is back. The ADHD person can learn to recognize problematic behavior and to change it. Humor always helps both to deal more relaxed and calm with the problems that ADHD brings with it.
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