What do you want from a therapist

Jokes

... through therapists, psychologists, doctors

Here you will find jokes with and about doctors, psychologists, psychotherapists and other madmen. If you know more, please send an email to: humor (at) therapie.de.


The classic about the different psychotherapists:

A person asks: "Where is the train station from here?"

It answers ...

  • The conversational therapist: "You don't know where the train station is and that not only makes you sad, it also makes you a little angry."
  • the depth psychologist: "You want to travel?"
  • the psychoanalyst: "You mean this long, dark building, where the trains always go in and out, in and out ...?"
  • the social worker: "I don't know, but I'll drive you there quickly."
  • the social worker: "I don't know, but it's good that we can talk about it."
  • the gestalt therapist: "You, allow yourself to go to the train station."
  • the bioenergetic: "Do it: sch ... sch ... sch ..."
  • the behavioral therapist: "Lift your right foot, push it forward, put it on now. Very good. Here is a piece of candy."
  • the psychiatrist: "Train station? Go by train? Which class?"
  • the neurologist: "So you've lost your bearings. Does that happen to you often?"
  • the systemic family therapist: "What do you think, your sister thinks, what your parents will feel when they hear that you are going to the train station?"
  • the short-term therapist: "Imagine: suddenly a miracle happens and you are already at the train station. What is different?"
  • the psychodrama therapist: "To the train station. Fine. Let's play that through. Give me your hat, I'll give you my jacket and then ..."
  • the NLP-ler: "Close your eyes, imagine: a flower at the edge of a path ..."
  • the positive thinker: "Close your eyes and say to yourself: I am wonderful and unique and I trust my subconscious that it knows the right way for me."
  • the pedagogue: "Of course I know where the train station is. But I think it would be better for you if you find out for yourself."
  • the humanistic psychotherapist: "If you really want to go there, you will find the way too."

Helper syndrome:

A person asks: "Where is the train station from here?" It answers ... the person asked: "I'm sorry, I don't know." Then the first one who has a helper syndrome: "You don't know that? So, watch out: you go first ..."


Two men are sitting at the regulars' table.

One of them says: "Maybe something happened to me yesterday: I go to the travel agency and a woman with huge breasts serves me. I look at her and say: 'I would like two tickets to Tittsburgh."

Says the other: "That's nothing yet! I am sitting at the breakfast table with my wife last Sunday and want to ask her to pass me the butter, and what do I say instead ?: 'You old bitch ruined my whole life! '"


... a patient is sitting on the couch:

Psychologist: "What brings you to me?"

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor. There are butterflies buzzing around my head!" (waving his arms terribly)

Psychologist: (angry with defensive movements) "... so what? ... but not all of them to me!"


The water in the doctor's full waiting room is knee-high. The plumber smiles at the doctor, puts some sealing rings in his hand and says:

"If it doesn't get better in 8 days, please call me again."


Ready for the clinic?

A visitor to a psychiatric institution asks the director what criteria are used to decide when a patient is to be admitted or not.

The director replies: "We fill a bathtub, give the candidate a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask him to empty the bathtub.

The visitor: "I see. A normal person would take the bucket, right?"
The director: "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with or without a balcony?"


What does an unemployed psychologist say to a working psychologist?

"One fries with mayo!"


A mother comes to a psychiatrist with her daughter.
"You have to help my daughter, because she thinks she is a chicken."
"Since when?"
"For three years," says the mother, worried.
"And are they only now coming?"
"We needed the eggs so badly."


A couple of madmen drive cars.

"Stop!" someone suddenly shouts when he sees a puddle, "Lake Constance!" He climbs onto the roof of the car and makes a dive. When he comes to, he says, "All right, guys, we can go on. It's frozen over!"


Two psychologists meet.

One of them says: "You are fine and how am I?"


The other day on the psychiatry hotline: Tuut-Tuut-Tuut ... Click !:

"Welcome to the psychiatry hotline.

  • If you're obsessive, keep choosing 1.
  • If you are co-dependent please ask someone to choose the 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, choose 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line until we trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully. Soft voices will tell you which number to dial.
  • If you suffer from forgetfulness, choose 8. If you suffer from forgetfulness, choose 8. If you suffer from forgetfulness, choose 8 ...
  • If you are depressed, choose what you want. Nobody will listen to you. "

After the third session with the psychologist, he asks his patient:

"Well, what about your inferiority complexes?"

"Great," replies his patient, "you have completely disappeared. I really only owe that to you, you little, lousy dilettante ..."


A man comes home and tells his wife that he has just been to the family doctor and that he should bring a urine sample and a stool sample and a semen sample to the doctor the next day.

Says the woman: "Then bring him your brown corduroy trousers."


Do you know the difference between a neurotic, a psychotic, and a psychiatrist?

The neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them and the psychiatrist collects the rent!


A mother picks up her son from the psychoanalyst.

"And," she asks curiously, "what did he say?"

"I have an Oedipus complex," replies the son.

"Oh what nonsense! The main thing is that you love your mommy."


Why is psychotherapy much shorter for men than for women?

When it is time to mentally go back to childhood, the men are already there.


A patient says to the psychologist: "Nobody wants to talk to me!"

The psychologist: "Next please!"


A patient says to the psychologist: "Nobody takes me seriously!"

The psychologist: "hahaha ...!"


A patient says to the psychologist: "I am so forgetful!"

The psychologist: "How long have you had that?"

The patient: "What?"


A patient to the psychologist: "Can you help me find the real me?"

The psychologist: "Sure. Where did you last see it?"


Napoleon I:

Two patients are talking in a psychiatrist's waiting room.

One asks the other: "Why are you here?

He replies: "I am Napoleon. My doctor said I should see a psychiatrist."

"How do you know you are Napoleon?"

"That's what God told me."

Another patient spoke up: "What nonsense! I never said that."


Napoleon II:

A man is released from mental hospital. He is very depressed because he says to himself:

"Yesterday I was Napoleon and what am I today? A nothing, a nobody!"


Two social workers come out of the pub and see someone lying beaten up on the sidewalk, unconscious, covered in blood, and so on. Says one to the other:

"You who did that, we really have to help him!"


The psychiatrist asks: "What's your name today?"

"Richard Gere!"

"Funny, yesterday your name was still Kim Basinger ?!"

"Yes, that was my maiden name!"


Parents are very worried because their first child is not speaking. No doctor or psychologist can help. One day while eating, the little one suddenly says: "The food is cold!"

The mother is excited: "You can speak! Why haven't you done that before?"

The little one replies: "So far everything was fine."


Woman: kiss me.

Therapist: According to the strict analytical rule, I shouldn't actually be lying next to you.


A man comes into an inn, orders a beer, drinks it down to a little bit and pours it in the face of the landlord.

"I'm terribly embarrassed. It's a nervous compulsion for me. Just can't be suppressed ..."

"You should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible!"

Some time later the man comes back to the inn, orders a beer, drinks it down to a small amount and pours it back into the face of the landlord. The landlord gets angry.

"I told you to consult a psychiatrist!"

"I did that too!" The man grins happily.

"It doesn't seem to have helped," grumbles the landlord.

"Yes, yes. Now I am no longer embarrassed at all."


What does a psychologist couple do when they have identical twins?

One child is placed in the experimental group, the other in the control group.


A psychologist gets into a taxi, panting. The taxi driver: "Well, where should it go?"

The psychologist: "Take me somewhere, I'll be needed everywhere."


A man is sitting in a psychological examination.

The psychologist draws a triangle and asks, "What do you think of when you see this?" - "About sex," replies the patient.

The psychologist draws a circle and asks again: "What do you think of when you see this?" - The patient replies "About sex".

The psychologist draws a square and asks again: "And what do you think of when you see that?" - "About sex" says the patient.

The psychologist: "You always only think of one thing!" The patient: "Who is painting this mess all the time?"


In a restaurant, a man sees an attractive young woman sit down at the next table. Thereupon he gets up, goes to her at the table and asks: "Oh, could I sit down with you?"

The woman suddenly yells across the well-frequented restaurant: "What, do you want to screw me? Yes, are you not ticking quite right anymore?" With a red head, the man returns to his table like a doused poodle.

After a while, the young woman gets up, comes to him, explains that she is a psychologist and has carried out an experiment, and apologizes in all forms. Then the man yells: "What, 500 eggs for a fuck? I'm not crazy!"


If a patient comes to the psychoanalyst and complains:

"Doctor, help me, I have the obsession that I am a dog."

"First of all, calm down and lie down here on the couch."

"I'm not allowed on the couch."


A man complains to his psychiatrist:

"For weeks I have been obsessed with the idea of ​​sticking my genitals in the cucumber cutter. I dreamed of it, then I could no longer sleep. In the cucumber factory I could no longer concentrate on anything. I only thought of one thing. Yesterday i done it! "

"My God," groans the doctor. "And what happened?"

"I was fired immediately."

"And the cucumber cutter?"

"Of course he was also released!"


"You made a mistake in the door," says the gynecologist to a male patient. "I am a specialist in women's problems!"

"That's why I'm coming to you," replies the man. "I suffer a lot from my wife!"


A man at the psychiatrist:

"Doctor, I think I'm a car. Growl, growl, growl ..."

The doctor: "Do that again."

"Growl, growl, growl .."

"I think your carburetor is blocked!"